News:

If you have difficulty registering for an account on the forum please email antespam@gmail.com. In the question regarding the composer use just the surname, not including forenames Charles-Marie.

Main Menu

The Battered Bride....

Started by pcnd5584, May 05, 2012, 09:45:56 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

pcnd5584

Is it just me, or do other board users who play in churches also have problems with brides?

Take the wedding which I had to play for today: it started with some electric post from my colleague, informing me he could not play for a wedding scheduled for 5th May, and could I do it? He had (thoughtfully) attached the original e-mail from the bride-to-be, together with her choices for the music. This included marching up the aisle to Pachelbel's Canon, processing out to Bach's Jesu, joy of man's desiring and Colours of day for one of the hymns.

She had arrived at this interesting selection by means of a website which purported to provide 'suitable' choices for wedding music.

She had also, to be fair, asked my colleague if he thought that her choices would be acceptable. Unfortunately, since he knew he was not going to be the organist for her nuptials, he simply replied to the effect that, yes, they would be fine.

As soon as I had read through the list (and imagined her walking proudly up the aisle to Pedal 16ft. and 8ft. Flutes, with a quiet 8ft. Flute joining in on the G.O. half-way up the aisle), I decided that, if only to retain my sanity on the day, I had better arrange to meet the young lady and her intending spouse, in order to discuss the music.

A couple of weeks later, on a rainy evening, we met at the church and I began by querying, as gently as I could, whether she really wanted to walk up and down the aisle to the pieces she had chosen. At this point, she assumed a petulant expression and declared "Well, your colleague thought they would be fine."  "Yes", I replied, "because he is not going to be here. If you had told him that you wished to march up the aisle to the theme from Spartacus, played on an accordion by a camp Portugese quantity surveyor, currently living in Arbroath, he would still have said that it was fine."

She seemed a little unconvinced by this so, sighing, I said "Look, both of you go down the Nave to the west end and process up while I play the Pachelbel." This they duly did and, arrived at the central crossing as I was about half-way through the first clavier phrase.

"Not a very grand entrance, is it?", I said.  Then I got them to walk up to the High Altar, and repeat the procedure in the other direction, while I played Jesu, joy (on Hautbois, Flute and Bourdon). After this, they were a little more interested in what I had to suggest.

In the end, she came in to Clarke's Trumpet Voluntary and went out to Handel's Arrival of the Queen of Sheba which, whilst perhaps making little sene on paper, was at least more aurally stimulating.

As far as the hymns were concerned, whilst I had to endure One more step along the road I go (played at a stately pace, on Fonds 16ft., 8ft. and 4ft.*), I did manage to kill the idea of Colours of day - simply by telling her that I had never heard of it.

I had also suggested that I play the Bach at the signing of the registers, which I did. Fortunately I only had to play it twice, since I had asked our curate (who conducted the wedding) to keep a tight rein on the photographer, in order that this part of the ceremony did not last a geological period.

Oh, I forgot to mention - she arrived late. As usual. (For brides generally, of course.) She had decided to hire a pony and trap - but presumably from a local farmer, instead of from a wedding car/transport company (who would have known how long to allow for the journey in this town, at this time of year - and whilst we endure yet further major 'road-scaping'). Fortunately there was no wedding scheduled to follow - although I did have two pupils still to teach.

The above is comparatively tame, considering the weddings I have played for previously. There was one, involving a couple both in the armed forces, which was - well, a bit odd. The bride was clearly drunk (and I do mean 'drunk'). She fell over whilst marching up the aisle at the start and became wedged between two pews. Fortunately she was apparently unhurt and simply laughed.... loudly.... for about six minutes. The vicar was little better: he arrived breathlessly about three minutes prior to the start of the wedding, looking a little dis-arranged. That is to say, his hair was sticking out at all angles and he smelled as if he had just attempted to set himself on fire.

Then there was the one where the wedding began conventionally, and continued quite sensibly right up until the time when the best man was supposed to hand the ring over to our officiating priest. There followed an unscripted silence, so I turned around to witness the said best man rooting frantically through the pockets of his suit - to no avail. I lost interest, only to regain it a few seconds later, when the entire assembled congregation heard him say "Oh bugger, it's on the kitchen table." An exasperated frown crossed the face of our priest; I am not sure whether this was due to the colourful language, or simply for the inconvenience. Anyway, I doubt that the brlde that day was the only one ever to have been married whilst sporting a chunky brass curtain ring, which on this occasion was procured at white-heat from the adjacent church rooms....

So, is it just me - or do others have similar experiences they could relate?



* I was worried that the congregation would start clapping rhythmically if I played it in a sprightly manner.
Pierre Cochereau rocked, man

MusingMuso

#1
I could, (should?) write a book about weddings; especially since I've sung or played at over 500 of the things over the years.

Where do I start?

The most bizarre wedding I've ever been involved in was that of a refugee from the Pinochet regime in Chile. He and his young English fiancée made an utterly delightful couple, but they had nevertheless got things in slightly the wrong order, insomuch as their baby attended the wedding. As there was no wedding party as such, it was all a bit improvised on the day. The strategic plan which had emerged, meant that I was best-man, the church warden gave the bride away, his wife held the baby and I think there was one other witness in the form of a local drunk who had wandered in off the street. In addition to being best man, I was also organist, which meant that I had to almost sprint from one location to the next.

With everyone fully occupied during the signing of the register, I held the baby, which promptly threw-up down my suit, but after a bit if judicious application of flower-vase water and much mopping of the patch with the service sheets from the week previous, I was able to rush, (complete with baby), to the organ, where I played a one hand and pedal arrangement of the Mendelssohn; the baby enjoying it immensely and gurgling very happily while blowing bubbles.

The "reception" consisted of a meal of fish & chips, washed down by a cheap bottle of champagne, and no-one was quite sure whether or not the groom understood a single word of the brief speeches.

Another highly memorable wedding was the day the bride, intent on marching out to the usual music, got her high-heel caught down a heating grate, and instead of trying to free the iron-work from the shoe or perhaps daintily stepping out of it, she managed to lift the grate out of the floor and dragged it with her to the west door, with all sort of consequent banging, scraping and crashing noises.

A recent wedding had myself and the priest in stitches afterwards.

"Oh my God! Did you see the children?" He asked. (He was referring to the bridesmaids and pageboys).

It wasn't just the bridesmaids that were caked in make-up and dressed like Victorian Tarts. The pageboys too wore make-up, and they were all dressed like junior versions of Charles Hawtrey playing the Duc De Pommfrit in "Carry on, don't lose your head," (based on the story of the Scarlet Pimpernel), complete with pantaloons, silk shirts, cravats, white wigs and sporting lace cuffs. Camp wasn't the word!

I knew this was going to be strange wedding the moment I set eyes on the church, which I thought was on fire. It turned out to be all the male members of the families enjoying a last cigarette, while sheltering from the rain by crowding into the partitioned area just inside the west-door. 

However, the ultimate accolade for the most unfortunate choice of words at a wedding must go to a Methodist Minister.

The wedding went without a hitch, (not literally but at least metaphorically), and the minister then took to the pulpit; preaching soundly enough about the institution of marriage and the importance of love. In summing up, he said this:-

"Love and marriage are rather like a coal fire. Every so often, the flames of love grow dull, and we are left with the mere glowing embers. All those in church to-day who are married, will surely agree with me, that when the glowing embers are left, it requires a good poke to revive the flames."

Needless to say, I had great difficulty even seeing the notes of the last hymn, let alone playing it.

I'll stop there, but there are numerous other anecdotes I could relate.

MM


Janner

Excellent............

PLease let us know when the books get published.  :)

Robin Stalker

Incontinent page boys – with the puddle being wiped up by the bride's dress. Brides and bridesmaids "popping out" of their dresses, much to the amusement of the choir boys!

I could go on......and on

David Pinnegar

#4
Oh what fun! Please do keep these stories running! Perhaps PCND, MM and Robin might be inspired to go to publication and achieve a best seller? http://www.amazon.co.uk/Airline-Scams-Scandals-Edward-Pinnegar/dp/0752466259 might provide a model for a format.

Best wishes

David P

MusingMuso

Oh well! If we must.

Unusually, I was booked to play the toaster in a village hall, where they decided to have the reception, with suitable dancing and merriment. This followed the wedding at the local church, for which I also played.

It all went swimmingly well, until they decided to show a preview of the wedding video to the guests, projected onto a large screen for all to see.

Imagine the reaction, when the image of the bride's mother arriving in church appeared on screen,  and then panned around to the groom's side of the church; the voice of the groom's mother clearly hissing to her husband, "Talk about mutton dressed as lamb!"

I've often wondered if they ever repaired the rift or just never spoke again.   ;D

MM

Barrie Davis

Hi

The church I used to play at had a pub just over the road, the Bride arrived no groom or best man, she was sent to do a circuit of the town , the Verger popped over the pub and found the groom and his family well oiled. I was surprsied the priest conducted the ceremony.
One had a horse and cart, unfortunately going to collect the bride the horse lost a shoe, they tried for almost an hour to get a farrier to put matters right but ended up arriving by car.
The car park at the Church was terrible and we used to do weddings every 45 minutes, I have vivid recollections of one day when the first wedding was a member of the mini club, the carpark was packed, they messed about taking photographs, the next wedding arrived it was almost World War 3.
Why oh why do they look at these wretched websites, I came across a hymn last year "We pledge to one another" sung to the tune Thaxted from the singing they didnt pledge a thing!!!!
Please lets have more of these.
Best wishes
Barrie

MusingMuso

Quote from: Robin Stalker on May 06, 2012, 09:44:11 AM
Incontinent page boys – with the puddle being wiped up by the bride's dress. Brides and bridesmaids "popping out" of their dresses, much to the amusement of the choir boys!

I could go on......and on

=======================

Ha! Ha!

This reminds of a certain wedding, where the full choir were invited to sing, (in the days when churches had full choirs).

The head choristers were models of good behaviour, but unfortunately, this did not apply to ALL the choristers; especially those who were rapidly reaching a certain point in life.

One boy, (a few weeks over his fourteenth birthday), had started to take an interest in things he had not taken an interest in previously, and when the bridal party arrived at the chancel steps and the first hymn was announced following the brief introduction, the boy didn't sing. Instead, he nudged the head-chorister, nodded towards one of the older bridesmaids and said, "Not half!"

Being in fairly close proximity, I overheard this, and leaning over to the first bass closest to the detached organ-console, I growled, "Hit him!"

I didn't quite expect the bass to smite him quite so hard with a copy of Ancient & Modern, but my overall impression was that of a man who had spent at least some of his time in the fur-seal trade.

The unfortunate boy went down like a pack of cards, and re-emerged rubbing the back of his head and wearing an expression of complete shock.

All's well that ends well and he didn't suffer brain damage or other lasting effects, but this was the old school and standards of behaviour mattered.

I suppose we'd have landed in court to-day.

MM

Paul Duffy

Just to give this thread a massive bump, I can put up with Brides' personal preferences, I just wish they would turn up on time, or at least just a few minutes late, as is tradition. The modern trend appears to be: "I'll roll up when I bloody well like". I hit a record this year: 1 hour 10 minutes late. Can anyone beat that?

Best wishes,
Paul Duffy

David Drinkell

In Orkney, most brides (including mine) arrived at the Cathedral in a Rolls Royce belonging to one "Blocky Bill", who had made a fortune casting concrete blocks.  However, there was also an enthusiast with a Model T Ford which he hired out for weddings.  It was notorious for breaking down, so if the Beadle put his head round the side of the console and said, 'Hids the Ford the day, b'y', one knew one was in for a long stint.  At one very pretentious wedding (the bride went to Paris to get her dress, having failed to find satisfaction in Edinburgh or London and certainly not in Croys' of Kirkwall), the bride was to enter to the theme from 'Chariots of Fire'.  This was quite fun, but she was very late indeed and by the time she arrived I had got through most of the film themes I could remember, a fair bit of Gilbert and Sullivan and one or two themes by Wagner.

At Belfast, circumstances could lead to very late brides - road closures, bomb scares, etc, but very often lateness was entirely due to 'tradition'.  I had a system of working in 'Why are we waiting?' in increasing degrees of unsubtlety and looking in the mirror to see at which point the choristers cottoned on to it. 'Get me to the church on time' played en taille on a diapason, somewhat Thalben Ball Elegiacally, was another good one.  After Peace broke out, following the Good Friday Agreement, there was no improvement in bridal tardiness.

In North America, the bridesmaids come in before the bride, nearly always to the Pachelbel Canon.  This is OK because one can build it up to a modest climax, while leaving a bit in reserve for the lady herself.  It helps to know how many bridesmaids, etc, there are - often up to seven - so that one can calculate the rate of one's crescendo.  Brides usually come in to 'The Prince of Denmark', although I've had some success in selling them Susato's 'La Mourisque'.  It's not the custom for the bride to be late, although there have been some.  A few weeks ago, the limo driver couldn't find the house - or so he said.

My pet peeve is soloists.  I inherited a list, on the do's-and-dont's leaflet, of pieces which were not considered suitable, but I now stipulate that any piece suggested must be sung without microphone and any accompaniment will be done on the organ.  Since the organ can't be miked and is in a fixed position, it follows that a singer using a mike is going to be misbalanced with the organ anywhere in the building, there is no piano in the church and I don't allow electronic keyboards.  String ensembles, guitars (discreetly miked if necessary), etc, are OK, but nothing tacky.  This caused a few arguments with local cabaret/pub singers, but they've got the message by now.  As regards repertoire, I will do my damndest to make something work, providing it isn't overtly anti-religious or a-religious (John Lennon's 'Imagine' is a definite no-no), but if I don't think it can be done, or that it isn't suitable, I will say so.  If they don't like it, they can take it up with the Dean, but he will back my judgement.  I wish someone would pass a law banning Schubert's 'Ave Maria', though....

At one wedding in Belfast Cathedral, the video man pushed past me at the organ (there's not really room to get between the organist and the rail.  'I wonder who has the easier job, you or me,' he said.  'Want to try swapping places for thirty seconds?' I said.