I'm worried by your despondency. Life is a challenge and noone really but oneself cares about how one looks. Were you not to have raised this thread then a lot of things of interest would not have come to life and light, so you've been brilliant and most helpful. How boring the world would be if no-one discussed anything for fear of being wrong or looking as though they didn't know everything! Then nor would anyone refine their ideas either? So life is so much about throwing such concerns of how one looks to the outside world to the wind and simply getting stuck in, even if with two heavy boots in mud . . .
How one is only you know, and how one looks is everyone else's mistake if that is all they take you for.
Elsewhere I have probably commented on the story of the Israelites coming out of Egypt. Because we are a materially oriented people nowadays we send mycologists out to Sinai to see if God fed them on mushrooms for breakfast every day for 40 years . . . but having now fed for 40 years on Godfood, of the mind, since around the age of ten, I'm suffering the illusion of coming to the mental land of milk and honey, which is why without embarrassment or inhibition, nor worry about anyone telling me I'm wrong, I talk about it. That story of the waters breaking is a birth story . . . and in that we breathe and breathe life.
In talking about it, I make mistakes and then find that those mistakes add up to something rather interesting. The other evening I was talking about the importance of the Sacred Name which being Sacred, one does not pronounce, and which is the Breath of Life which Jesus breathed over his disciples "spreading the Holy Spirit". "That wasn't some ectoplasm that you and I can't see, it was the idea, the spirit of the law rather than the letter of the law, that which gives life that we all share". For some reason I jumped to Genesis "Didn't God breathe over the face of the waters?" and my friend remarked that his spirit moved over the face of the waters . . . So I felt as you describe feeling yourself.
Then he remarked "But in Latin Spiritus means also breath" - so yes - God did breathe over the face of the waters. . . . So we both learned something by my having got it technically wrong.
And in that story isn't there something magic as we all know that the wind blowing over the sea gives oxygen which gives life to the water. . . .
So I celebrate being wrong, because in that is life!
So hopefully all who share their ideas, strengths, weaknesses, certainties and frailties on this forum might find life. Life through the spirit of the organ, the spiritus, that breath flowing through its pipes . . . and associated understanding.
And for all who think I'm wrong, please forgive me and help me to do better. I love the maxim of Islam Verse (41:34) http://corpus.quran.com/translation.jsp?chapter=41&verse=34
of replacing bad by that which is better. And in doing so, I jump with both feet in heavy boots into mud. Flanders and Swann are to be celebrated!
In looking at the text one must bear in mind that Jerusalem, and Zion, are the higher mind, that place of Paradise from which we come, Heaven in the skies of our being, and that "your mother's house" might be our active brain in our bodily earthly life . . . http://www.emmanuelmusic.org/notes_translations/translations_cantata/t_bwv140.htm
Awake, calls the voice to us
of the watchmen high up in the tower;
awake, you city of Jerusalem.
Midnight the hour is named;
they call to us with bright voices;
where are you, wise virgins?
Indeed, the Bridegroom comes;
rise up and take your lamps,
Make yourselves ready
for the wedding,
you must go to meet Him.
2. Recitative T
He comes, He comes,
the Bridegroom comes,
O Zion's daughters, come out,
his course runs from the heights
into your mother's house.
The Bridegroom comes, who like a roe
and young stag
leaps upon the hills;
to you He brings the wedding feast.
Rise up, take heart,
to embrace the bridegroom;
there, look, He comes this way.
3. Aria - Duet S B (Dialogue - Soul, Jesus)
When will You come, my Savior?
- I come, as Your portion. -
I wait with burning oil.
Now open the hall
- I open the hall -
for the heavenly meal.
- I come, come, lovely soul! -
4. Chorale T
Zion hears the watchmen sing,
her heart leaps for joy within her,
she wakens and hastily arises.
Her glorious Friend comes from heaven,
strong in mercy, powerful in truth,
her light becomes bright, her star rises.
Now come, precious crown,
Lord Jesus, the Son of God!
We all follow
to the hall of joy
and hold the evening meal together.
5. Recitative B
So come in to Me,
you My chosen bride!
I have to you
eternally betrothed Myself.
I will set you upon My heart,
upon My arm as a seal,
and delight your troubled eye.
Forget, O soul, now
the fear, the pain
which you have had to suffer;
upon My left hand you shall rest,
and My right hand shall kiss you.
6. Aria - Duet S B (Dialogue - Soul, Jesus)
My Friend is mine,
- and I am yours, -
love will never part us.
I will with You
- you will with Me -
graze among heaven’s roses,
where complete pleasure and delight will be.
Let Gloria be sung to You
with mortal and angelic tongues,
with harps and even with cymbals.
Of twelve pearls the portals are made,
In Your city we are companions
Of the angels high around Your throne.
No eye has ever perceived,
no ear has ever heard
like our happiness,
eternally in dulci jubilo!